saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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