I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
