i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
