Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
