Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
