well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize