Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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