Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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