Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
