I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
