I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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