Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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