i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
