he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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