I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
