Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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