When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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