yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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