Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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