Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
