my phone needs a breathalizer
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
