Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
