dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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