So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
