Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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