It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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