my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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