I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
