There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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