i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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