Someone shit on the floor
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
