I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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