the condom got lost in my hair
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
