We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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