i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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