She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Blood and glitter go together right?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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