i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
