he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
