Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
i out mim tonsoeep
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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