6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
