I will die if light touches me.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
