Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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