we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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