WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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