Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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