i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
