i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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