if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
