Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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