see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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