I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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