It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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