Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
