that's what penises do
they tell lies.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
