I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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