He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
