Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
