Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I enjoy the company of your penis
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
