I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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