Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
