I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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