I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
