I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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