the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
