break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
