barbara walters just said penis...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
