20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
