The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
