I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
