im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
