hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
