And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I am midnight drunk by noon
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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