dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
